The Very Emo--tional gurl..

3.20.19 I turned 13 in December and I still feel the same. My mental health is the same. I lost a lot of friends. I kinda miss them but..maybe it happened for a reason? *trying to be positive* I have a feeling that one day I will finally be okay. I haven't been okay in a while. Lots of stuff is going on but I'm still going. I'm probably gonna fail in life but that's okay? I mean the only good thing that has happened while being home schooled is my doggo had puppies. Only two puppies survived. I love them both but it would've been so cool to see the others grow up. See what their personalities are like..see how they look. I feel like I fail at everything. I failed at being a good friend. a good daughter. a good sister. I failed at paying attention to Luke (the puppy I got attached to) when he was still here. I don't know if anyone who is reading this has ever felt that way or it just proves that I'm a freak and feel bad about everything.. besides all that sad...

10.5.18 I've been out of school for two weeks now. My work comes in the mail on the ninth. its been fun..I like it because I don't have to deal with the bull crap. A lot of people there were just oof ya know. now I get to focus on myself and go at my own pace. ~baiii

September 24, 2018 Right now we have free time. Let me tell ya something..seventh grade is nothing like sixth grade. I’m scared and worried. I’m stressed. I can’t really think. I don’t understand anything in math. I’m slow. I think I’m just getting worse. My parents are thinking about homeschooling me but that means I have to teach myself...I’m already struggling so...I’m gonna struggle even more. I keep thinking to myself...“I’m not gonna get anywhere in life” Life is a pain in the booty *laughs a bit* so many other things I think about.. I’m afraid to live.. And to die.. I feel bad for making my family worry. It affects them. I don’t want them to. I have weird and deep thoughts.. I can’t control my emotions... Wow ma life is sad ~Baiii~

September 18, 2018 I’m in seventh grade now. I’ve been in seventh grade for...(I can’t math) well it’s been a while well it feels like it. It’s been interesting but a bit boring (a good boring) my science/social studies teacher is so cool. I always look forward when I have block three. I actually learn something and it’s fun. Mr. Bertoletti is the best teacher ever! Sixth grade science and social studies weren’t very interesting. Those classes were boring and I learned absolutely nothing. But Mr. Bertoletti makes it fun and I remember information. Math and ELA have been awful for me..especially Spanish class. ~~baiii

Literary writing (I guess you would say)  Well Poetry can rhyme sometimes...I don’t have much to say about it though. I actually kinda like poetry it seems decent and fun. 

John Wayne Gacy was an American serial killer who was known as “The Killer Clown” who also violently raped, murdered, and strangled young male adults as well as children. At the time this event was happening (1972-1978) he was struggling with his sexuality even as a child. John Wayne Gacy was born on March 17,1942 in Chicago. Gacy had been divorced twice and had two children. Earlier on in Gacy’s life he was an artist then created Pogo The Clown. When Gacy dressed up as Pogo he went to children’s birthday parties and would sexually assault them.    His first victim was Timothy Jack McCoy a fifteen year old male. The date of this murder was January 2,1972. Gacy lured McCoy into taking a tour around the city with him. Then Gacy let McCoy stay at his home for the night and promised to take him back to the bus stop in the morning. The next day McCoy wanted to say “thank you” for letting him stay over night by making some breakfast for both of them. McCoy had a kitchen knif...

Well the school year is about over so I have to talk about regrets that I have you know that stuff.. This school year was emotional because lots things happened.. In the very beginning of the year I was very very very quiet and I hated myself. I wore baggy clothes because I didn’t want to show myself, I thought I was ugly. The very week of school I only had three friends and talked to very few people. I didn’t stand up for myself much, I was too scared to because usually it was the so called “popular” kids who teased me. To be honest I was pretty depressed the first two months of school. I was suicidal too. I didn’t know how to control my feelings and I made weird choices at times. The main thing was I didn’t have any self-love for myself. I hated every part of myself. And Now......... I have some confidence but not a lot though and I’m more social. I talk to more people and have more friends. I lost gained three friends and lost them and we don’t talk at all we make no contact...I...

My Attic is my favorite place to be I go to my attic so it’s just my attic and me I go there to get out a good cry I sometimes go there to just sigh My attic is the place where I can talk I usually talk and walk My attic helps me think and calm myself I sit on this old shelf  I go up to my attic to remember memories  I cry And I sometimes sob That’s why I love my attic

My Grandma is someone who I’ll never forget My Grandma will always hold a special place in my heart My Grandma left us so soon and I didn’t want her to leave yet I can still remember her carrying me and putting me in the shopping cart Everyday I miss my grandma more and more  I will still remember those days where she would get mad It’s like a door between my grandma and I now When she got mad it wasn’t as bad as losing her I will always remember my special person

1. I am not dead (Sadly...I’m joking) 2. I am kinda happy 3. We had a full week of dress downs 4. I did things 5. I went outside for like five minutes or so.. 6. I stood inside and listened to p!atd,mcr,tøp, and fob 7. I hurt my neck from a lot of head banging 8. I’m getting help 9. I’ve done over 100 blog posts 10. I don’t know what else to put *smiles and gives thumbs up*

So we have to take this stupid test called MAP! So for me *grins and raises eyebrow* I’m a slow kid (mentally) so I don’t learn very fast I guess you would say....I dunno. So after MAP our class gets to read,blog,code,sudoku, or if you had something to finish from another class, you could work on that. I listened to p!atd or tøp And was either blogging or.........other things. (Edit 5/10/18: today is the last day of testing...yey)

Chapter 26: “sadness hit” I went back downstairs and felt like I was just hit by a train. I felt out of it. I didn’t feel good mentally. I kept thinking of Chelsea.... Me: So Chelsea do you wanna maybe go out sometime? Chelsea: mhm..you’re so cute Jay Me: *blushes* Chelsea: *kisses Jayden on the lips* Me: um..well then *holds Chelsea’s hand* Chelsea: *smiles at Jayden* I keep thinking about that day and another day... Me: Don’t do it Chelsea Chelsea: I’m sorry Me: PLEASE! Chelsea: *hangs up phone* Me: *worries and runs to her house* I witnessed too much...there were cops surrounding her house and then I ran inside to find Chelsea’s body hanging right in front of my eyes.....in fact I smacked right into it....  I got up from my seat and walked outside. Chapter 27: “nuuhhh” I walked onto a street that I was familiar with “hello friend that I truly love” I said sarcastically. I looked up at the house that my girlfriend lived in and died in. I walked inside “Chelsea yo...

Chapter 24: “I’m bisexual...Dad” I looked at him with tears rushing down my face “I like both genders dad” I said sniffling. Gerald looked at me “I kinda knew” he said crying a bit. I gave him a puzzled look and he wiped my tears “I know about you kissing Bruce and Harley...they both told me secretly” he said smiling and wiping his own tears. I put my head down in shame “um well is it fine that I am bisexual?” He smiled at me “sweetie you can love whoever you want, any race, any gender just as long as they’re good people inside and out” he said putting his hands on my shoulders and looking me straight in the eye. I finally smiled at him and gave him a big hug “thanks dad” I said tearing up a bit. Gerald looked at me again “I know that you kissed Chelsea too sweetie”.... Chapter 25: “Chelsea” I gave Gerald a dirty look “don’t bring her up alright?” I said a bit moody. I walked away wiping my tears. I grabbed my phone and went up to my attic “Ello Jayden,it’s Chelsea ur girlfriend and...

So for my blog I’ve posted 50 posts (well minus slice of life..I think) and Ms.Haury wants to know how I feel.........the same.....I don’t feel anything. Well I do feel that my writing has improved I guess, it went from *speaks in high pitch voice* “hoi guys” to *speaks in normal boring voice* “wassup peeps” I feel like I’m more comfortable with saying some things *coughs* like coming out as bisexual. I guess I do feel something *smiles* I feel like I’m important for once even though I’m probably still not but I feel like I am. *dances in silence*.......*makes faces*......*smiles*.....

On Monday (the 30th) we went to the American Writers Museum. I sat next to Andreia (my fren) on the bus and we were just talking about how life sucks sometimes then talking about the things we’ve been through (good and bad) it was kinda emotional though like some of the stuff we’ve been through. I cried on the way there because I was heartbroken (I’ll tell in another blog) so I was sad and I was a bit silent on the field trip...I didn’t talk much..I just stared and made faces. When we arrived I let the wind hit my face (it felt great) my frens kept asking “what’s wrong?” And I would tell them “don’t worry”....which by the way wasn’t a great idea *laughs* but I’m getting off topic *wipes tears* okay so we saw all these books and all these quotes it was so cool. There was this one wall..it was so co- I meant dark and colorful. The wall had all these words and then the projector would put a waterfall on the words *imagines it*.......*awkward silence*.......that’s it (Also there was a bir...

I don't wanna hear you've got a boyfriend Sometimes you're better off alone But if you change your mind, you know where I am Yeah if you change your mind, you know Where to find me 'Cause I don't ever wanna be your boyfriend And never did I think that I Would be caught in the way you got me Push another girl aside and just give in Girls love girls and boys Girls love girls and boys And never did I think that I Would be caught in the way you got me But girls love girls and boys And love is not a choice Pose, you've gotta save your reputation They're close to finding out about your girlfriend But if you change your mind, you know where I am Yeah if you change your mind, you know Where to find me 'Cause I don't wanna save your reputation   And never did I think that I Would be caught in the way you got me Push another girl aside and just give in Girls love girls and boys Girls love girls and boys And never did I think tha...

Chapter 22: “o-okay?” I felt cold and scared, I was alone in the dark. I opened my eyes and I was in my bedroom...on the hard wooden floor. I looked around then got up slowly. I was sweating a lot “Help?” I said softly. I opened the door then ran down the hall screaming. I stopped and saw a little girl at the end of the hallway “hi” she said waving her little hand. I walked up to her and put my hand against her hand “hey” I said softly and getting scared. She hugged me. I stood there letting her. I pulled her off of me and looked her straight in the eye “what’s your name?” I asked. She waved at me “I’m Jay!” She said getting excited. I fell backwards “what the heck?” I whispered questioning myself. The little girl came closer to me I RAN. I went to my room and fell “ah sh#%!” I yelled out and fell to the floor knocking myself out. I had this weird image. I was making out with Harley and then Bruce. I am so confused on my sexuality, I don’t know what to think anymore. Next thing you kn...

Your skies are dark  and days are grey Because you have no love  To light your way - Unknown  So this poem.....*laughs in pain*..sadly I can relate to because I have crushes and then they usually end up dating some other person *sniffles*  I have no one to love and I never will...wow this turned out really dark. I mean like I love people (my family) but I’ve never felt like I do for this one person..I know it sounds cheesy and all but it’s true to be honest..................... Yea I lik- I mean love the ginger

I wanna get better in school. I wanna get better in Math. I wanna get better in Science. I wanna get better in Gym too.

Well Spring Break was awful to be honest. It was gloomy or either cold (there were some sunny days but it would still be cold) outside so that sucked...I stood inside the whole break (mainly just being in my room with my doggos)  watching Robot Chicken, being sad, listening to music on Pandora, reading on webtoon, drawing, messaging Ariani..Joey..Andreia..Aliana..and my sister, and rage dancing because I was mad for some reason. I learned something new about myself (I guess you would say?) I start sobbing my eyes out when I hear the song Mr.Brightside by The Killers..so it came on Pandora and I listened to lyrics and started crying..very emotional. Then during Spring Break I found out one of my frens likes meh.......surprisingly (if you see meh..I’m sorry You might  lose your vision) Spring Break was like The Great Depression for meh because I didn’t even bother to try to wake up early. I woke up at like ten or twelve it was awful. The exciting thing was i was listening to Pan...